Read between the lines !!

I am quite sure you must have attended many conferences/talks/symposium/colloquium. As a matter of fact I too have attended some and hope to attend many more.  Folks there are many commonly used sentences in most of the seminars, which might have gone unnoticed for most of us. But I feel there is lot of enigmatic (funny) meaning behind most of those sentences. I just tried to collect and jot down here in a weird/funny way, which most of you might have thought about, but none put in following way.

1)  "Abstracts are invited but not limited to the field of 'XYZ' "

What it actually means : We presume there will not be much registration with just the topic XYZ thats the reason we are stretching the limits. You know we want HUGE crowd, to show to our department and sponsors. 

2) "I will not go through all the data, there is a long list of and you can spend unlimited time with this data"

What it actually means :  This data is a bloody ruddy hell. Errr...I do not wanna get freaking crazy by going over all of it.

3) "I thank all the sponsors for making this event successful"

What it actually means :Fellas we squeezed a lot of money out of you. Thanks for pouring the money into fancy stuffs and lot of booze!!

4) Specially thanking my supervisor, sitting in the first row here:

What it actually means : Making you a superstar !!! pardon me for some crappy mistakes done during talk.

5) " As you all know how this works"

What it actually means : Naaaah !! its boring I don't want to explain it again. Read it yourself.

6) "Thats a good question"

What it actually means : Hurray... final you have asked a question to which I know a very good answer. 

 7) "If you see this Western blot, there is a prominent band with almost no background"

What it actually means : Hey get away..Grrrr yeah there is crappy background but just ignore it.

8) "Actually we are going to publish it soon"

What it actually means : I am still struggling to make some sense out of the data, I don't know when all hell is gonna break loose.

9) " I am in first year of my PhD, these are few of the initial data"

What it actually means : Don't shoot me with tricky questions fellas. I am just chillaxing (chill+relaxing) at this stage.

10) " Thanks to the organizers for inviting me over a talk"

What it actually means : Thanks for getting a free trip to a cool place like this. This place, food and booze seems heavenly!!

11) " X group published slightly different work in the year 1995"

What it actually means : I am trying hard to make it look different to write a paper for getting a PhD..Phew...

12) " Sorry. few more slides to go"

What it actually means : Get back..do you know who I am?? I am gonna take my own sweet time and finish it when ever I want.




 

               Graduate Student Syndrome (GSS)

 

Graduate Student Syndrome (GSS) is a syndrome (collection of diseases/disorders) associated with Graduate/PhD students, and is one of the burgeoning causes of morbidity worldwide. There are over millions of students who are prone to this syndrome all across the globe. This is a disorder which is medically challenging since the diagnosis and treatment are seldom easy. 

The disease can be defined as; A condition that affects a human being usually of age 23-30 (has a higher standard deviation), which is associated with symptoms such as polypublicationomia (An excessive thrust for publication), insomnia (inability to sleep, sometimes induced by external agents such as PI), thesisophobia (fear of thesis), polyfreefoodamia (An excessive appetite for free food and beer) etc. When diagnosed at the right time, it can be treated. Some of the cures include fast closure of PhD thesis, assured Post-Doc positions, papers in high impact factor journals (Nature, Science, Cell, PNAS, PloS are found to be most effective ever). But extend of cure still remains to be ‘terra incognita’.

Causes:

The causes are enormous to be listed.  Very common ones are listed below;

1) The subject doesn’t know what is to be done after Master/Bachelor’s degree hence chooses to get into PhD.

2) Discovery/animal planet/National geography channels showing bizarre science experiments are often seen to be severely affecting the brain of the younger generation and brings a hunch for being a PhD.

3) Father/Mother/relatives are PhDs. Hence the subject gets the spread of the disease.

4) Advise of a nerd person; ‘PhD kar le beta bahut scope hai’!!

Symptoms:

The symptom starts at the age of about 15. There are also some of the rare reports which show the onset of the disease to be above 6 (the symptomatic kid usually is seen to be uttering the sentence “Mai bada hoke PhD karunga!!” they should be immediately treated and to be advised not to utter those words). There is comparatively huge window period (stage at which the disease can’t be diagnosed) and in most of the cases diagnosed only after getting into Gard schools. Common symptoms associated include but not limited to polypublicationomia , insomnia, thesisophobia, polyfreefoodamia. Some of the chronic cases portray lack of laughter, addiction to internet (mostly pubmed, google-scholar and some of the journal homes). These patients are mostly located in places called “Laboratories”.  Symptoms are seen to be severing when the subject gets in contact with PI/PhD adviser.  The subjects usually crave for objects such as pipette, lab-coats, glass wares, antibodies, stains, and sophisticated instruments such as microscope, NMR, Mass spectrometer, PCR, Gel running apparatus etc. Initial periods show milder symptoms. Stage four subjects mostly show extensive desire to possess high impact factor publication, a post-doc in top lab (sometimes they think as TOP), marriage etc. 

Diagnosis:

Although there are some diagnostic kits available nothing seems to concrete yet. This syndrome can be better diagnosed by Doctors (I mean PhD holders). Some of the reports suggest blood test for detection of higher amounts of caffeine (Coffee keeps the subject awake) is good diagnosis. But this test produces the best results when blood is drawn during course work exams, grant report submission, paper submission, facing the review process etc.  This test can just be used as a subsidiary one. Just to check the physiological behavior one can check the reaction of the subject towards free food and beer. If the subject seems to be vehement to above mentioned objects he/she can be subjected to further tests.  The subjects usually tend to avoid PI/PhD advisers. They are sometimes observed to be cursing PIs badly for not submitting the paper, asking for repeating of the experiment, not permitting to go on leave etc.

Treatment: 

There is no complete cure reported in any of the literature till date. This varies from subject to subject depending on severity of the syndrome and “laboratory”. Best cures are fast finishing of the thesis, assured post-doc in a wealthy and high impact publishing lab, provision of free food, providing more chances of attending seminars in exotic locations, marriage, up-gradation of fellowship etc. Soothing words of PI has always seen to be an advantageous in curing the syndrome (soothing words include; You have worked a lot and it’s better to take some leave, I will try to submit your paper right today, Do you want to attend a seminar in Switzerland on Project cost?, come I will offer you some beer, I will see to it that you will finish your thesis soon etc). When not treated in a right fashion, this disease may lead into Post-Doctoral fellow syndrome.

Reference: 

1) Karthik.et.al. Journal of screwed-up researchers. 2011 Jun;39(2):46-51. Epub 2012 Jun 30.

2) Wang E, Li Y, Juan F, Xi F, Chu G, Gaun F et.al. Journal of crazy scientists. 2010;7(7):e41179. Epub 2010Jul 13.

Punch:

 

A person who sacrifices food, sleep, laughter, family, marriage, and all the worldly joys were called saints in ancient times. In modern times they are called PhD/Graduate students.

Zany Scientist

Do you need to be first person to wonder about bizarre event to be a scientist??? do you need to be shabby, scratching hair less or less haired  head?? must you be a squarish rat in a roundish hole?? It is you working quirky in a murky place called lab???

 

 

No I dont think one should be such zany to be called a scientist... I would say one must think of some thing ordinary, in a extraordinary way to be a scientist !! Simplest and most widely used example is the apple tale of Newton. Had he not thought of gravity(extraordinary thing) when a apple fell on his head(ordinary thing), It would have been some one else who might have reported the presence of gravity(probably me or you as well !!). Same theory goes right in case of Archimedes. Who rather than enjoying a bath in a cozy tub screamed out saying "Eureka"!!!

So here are few tips by which you can be a scientist as well as a normal human being.

1) While gulping a sandwich/burger just do not think about 'Rhizopus stolonifer' (bread mold). The bread is most enjoyed without a thought of it being infected with fungus.

2) Appreciate Rajaneekanth movies!! Do not try to give scientific meaning to it. Yes I know most of the scenes may make you be doubtful about Newtons' invention (Ofcourse gravity!!) !!

3) Do not as ask your friend to fill 60ml (60000 micro-liter) of booze to your glass. Just ask for a small peg he/she will understand.

4) Try not to think about crazy talks when you are out of seminar/conference hall. Be informed the free food and drink are also part and parcel of scientist' life.

5) Also consider taking snaps of world around you. Cells and structure under microscope are not the only substance in the world which can be imaged!!

Phew.. these are only some features mentioned above. lets end this post with with one of Albert Einsteins' quote;

“A question that sometimes drives me hazy, am I or are the others crazy?”
- Albert Einstein